Acts 5:12-16, Revelations 1:9-19, John 20:19-31, Psalm 118
April 28, 2019
Ian Fergusson
It’s Not Supposed To Be Like This
Did you know that I am a Toronto Maple Leafs fan? I don’t know if many here will truly understand my analogy this morning but I have always been a Toronto Maple Leafs fan. They last won the Stanley Cup in my lifetime but not in my memory. I remember trying to play goal left handed simply because Mike Palmateer played goal left handed. I passionately remember Darryl Sittler, Lanny McDonald and Rick Vaive back in the day before my team was decimated by the ego and pettiness of an owner so that it would be decades before they would become respectable again. I would give any of the successes for any other team that I’ve cheered for if only I could have my beloved Leafs succeed once more. I would give up the 2 baseball championships by the Jays and the 2 championships by the RedBlacks/Ottawa RoughRiders plus the championship by the Saints just to see the glory of my Maple Leafs. This was going to be the season too because I truly thought that my guys were the better team and they really did have a shot.
I mourn this week after spending much of games 6 and 7 thinking “but it’s not supposed to be like this”. I was also very annoyed that I thought of this analogy as I watched the end of my team’s season. Holy Week and beyond is all about expectation and disappointment for the twelve. They truly thought they knew what God was going to do with this whole Messiah thing. I’ll actually say that the story of Thomas isn’t about doubt, it’s about expectation and pride. Let me elaborate but first let me tell you about a personal connection I have to this story.
Not so many years ago I was struggling with depression and anxiety. I still struggle with it but when this story occurred I was pretty deep in my depression and I didn’t much like God because of it. By grace I was still going to worship and occasionally I’d hear from God, like I still hear from God in various ways to this day. Stu Clark did the homily on this day in question and he spoke of Thomas. I don’t remember a single thing about the homily but that’s because I didn’t hear the voice of God there. After worship I spoke briefly to Stu and I mentioned some of my own doubt and struggle of the day. Stu simply looked at me with compassion and said, “Well Jesus loved Thomas too” and that was the voice of God for me on that day. My own doubt didn’t matter, I just needed the affirmation that I wasn’t alone there in the dark. Let me just say that this circle has been a gift to me over my adult life as I’ve learned to let people in and to let them love me. That’s what the church is about, Jesus loved Thomas too.
It will likely come as a surprise to nobody but over the years I’ve gone to therapy. Here’s where I guess I was hoping that one person would feign surprise and my money was on Larry. There is a mental health stat somewhere posted in my office that says that only 1/3rd of Canadians who advise they’ve struggled with a mental health issue ever go anywhere to get some help. I just want to encourage anyone and everyone to widen their circle of support. If that’s a conversation with your doctor or someone you love and respect then do that. In so doing we allow Jesus to love us through someone else in the circle. There are many hearing these words this morning who have been and are the love of Jesus to me, thank you for being in my circle. Maybe you needed to hear that this morning, I know that there was a morning that I needed to hear that so I’ll just say that and honour God for that bright light on that day in my life.
That’s not what this homily is about though. Sorry if you were perking up thinking that I was done for the day. I’m not. I’m circling back to the story. Thomas, like the rest of the twelve was a product of his own environment and he figured that in his own wisdom he had his finger on the pulse of what God was doing. They all thought that way, and we all still think that way millenia down the path. Their pride led to expectation which in turn led to depression and confusion as they all thought, like me and my Maple Leafs, “but this isn’t how it’s supposed to be”.
Let me give you a few examples.
James and John argue about who is the greatest and they ask to sit on either side of Jesus in heaven. They had heads full of glory and no clue what was in store for them as Holy Week ran its course.
Peter rebukes Jesus saying “this shall never happen to you” only to have Jesus tell him that he doesn’t have the things of God in mind but rather the things of men. Peter later chops off an ear in the garden thinking that the ways of men were going to bring about the kingdom. He denies Jesus and spends a good amount of time thinking “but it’s not supposed to go like this”.
Dare I get a little controversial? Let’s look at Judas. Way back in the day in one of my New Testament classes it was suggested that Iscariot means “dagger carrier”. It’s one of a series of suggestions that are likely just Christian urban myths that end up as homily fodder. Prevailing opinion is that Iscariot actually refers to Judas’ hometown. But that’s just less interesting than “dagger carrier” don’t you think? It may be conjecture but what if Judas just wanted to paint Jesus into a messianic corner so that he’d come out “fighting” as it were? I’m not saying that’s what happened but I’m also not scared of what if questions. We can certainly surmise that the Jewish culture was begging for its Messiah and the history of the centuries before and after show that they were very willing to rebel and fight to bring about their version of events. At the very least we can say that the disciples wanted their version of events to come about.
Enter Thomas. What if his “doubt” is seen more in a light of “it’s not supposed to happen like this”? How many times have I gotten mad at situations because “it’s just not fair” or “my plans were different than this”? How about the many times when I’ve had to deal with disappointment and somehow try to find a little bit of grace in the mess of expectation that I’ve laid out for myself? When is my own doubt mistaken for pride and expectation leading to plain old disappointment?
No this isn’t about my Maple Leafs anymore, I just have to mourn my way through that. This is bigger. This cuts deeper. Am I truly willing to give up my way? My expectation? My pride? We need to come to the realization that God’s way is not our way. Like Thomas we simply need to humble ourselves with a “my Lord and my God”.